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“I Gotta Have More Bandwidth”

prscrpcb-bgRemember that famous line from the SNL Will Ferrell/ Christopher Walken skit, “I gotta have more cowbell?” Well, it appears that in our house the little spinning blue circle on my husband’s Facebook account means we gotta have more bandwidth, or mps or GPS or whatever the heck those things are called that make your internet lightning fast and frustration free. I really had no idea if bandwidth was even what it was called, so of course I Googled it. Google came back with an impressive list of very technical terms and definitions I couldn’t decipher, but this one seemed REALLY easy to understand, especially #2:



1. the range of frequencies within a given band, in particular that used for transmitting a signal.  That means getting on the Internet, right?
2. the energy or mental capacity required to deal with a situation
“he lives alone, and says he doesn’t have the bandwidth to handle a steady relationship


Ooh, that #2 is so easy to relate to. In this case, Carl definitely has no bandwidth when it comes to trying to update his status, reply to comments and watch You Tube videos without a swift connection, and to be fair, I have way less (energy and mental capacity that is) when it comes to dealing with the hubs and the Internet at the same time. I mean, I’m having the same problem with Facebook and all my other apps too, just not as frequently and without as much angst.  And to make matters worse,  I’m on a PC and he’s on a Mac, so I can’t always be as helpful as he’d like me to be. Totally different operating systems here, in more ways than one.


Anyway, in our now dual household, we have 2 computers, a laptop, a tablet, an iPad, a Nook, a smart phone and 2 Apple TV boxes all vying for network time, so it’s probably not out of the question that the cloud is overpuffed and we can’t operate all this stuff at once.  We also have “dueling desks,” a really cute arrangement I came up with a few months after we remarried cause I wanted us to be able to spend quality time together while we were surfing the net and exploring all the amazing viewing opportunities that are bountiful for those of us lucky enough to have Google, Facebook, Yahoo News and Jay Leno’s Garage available with the push of a keyboard button or the scroll of a mouse.

I already had the two massive cherry wood desks (a parting gift from my prior job) arranged in an L in my office, so it was an easy fix to slide them around and push them together, facing each other, where we could adoringly gaze in each other’s eyes over the monitors. We’ve both since upgraded to those huge all-in-one desktops where now we can barely see the tops of each other’s heads, but hey, at least we can still talk about the happenings of the day and/or night. That usually consists more of questions like why his email keeps disappearing for no reason, or why someone would want to hack someone else’s account, or how you spell something you think will be very witty, or why Trump is still the nominee, or most importantly, when the **f@@@**!! will the little ball ever stop spinning and get connected or quit stopping in the middle of those great drag racing videos he’s trying to watch. Personally, I wasn’t too upset when those quit suddenly, and there definitely was nothing wrong with the sound on his computer. I sip my wine pretty much the whole time and say “I don’t know ” a lot,  except for the spelling part. I’m totally responsive in that area cause it’s very important to be grammatically correct with your witticisms. I will also confess, just a little bit, to appearing smaller in stature behind by own monitor by crouching down a tad.


So, I figured it was time to call Cox about some kind of memory expansion, road runner type speedy upgrade, and have been suggesting that to my man-at-home-all-day- cause- he’s- retired- now (the guy with all kinds of fix-it and phone-calling time while I’m at work) for about a week now. Of course, come Sunday, when it was too early for wine, I ended up calling them instead. So he would stop asking me if my little blue circle was spinning too….

If you’re new to this blog, let me back-fill this story with a little history. Carl and I have been together in some capacity for the past almost 40 years. We were married in 1977, stayed together for 28 years, had two boys, divorced in 2005, and remarried again in September of 2014. We were the best of friends during the time we were divorced, and always spent lots of holidays and other times together, so we were happy to make it official again right about the time he also retired. And moved back into the house we had lived in (and I had kept) all those years. It’s a small house, but there’s plenty of room now that it’s just the two of us, for lots of TVs in all the rooms, surround sound systems, wireless headphones and big desks. We also have three grand kids, two dogs, and our newest baby, a long, sleek, black 1950 Rocket 88 in our garage. Oh, and a condo in Orange and a lake house just outside of Bakersfield. I’ll save that for another day, another blog.

Neither one of us is particularly well schooled in technology, but I work for a software company, I’m on the computer all day, 5 days a week, and I have a general idea of how these machines work, so rather than leave the computer issues to chance, I mean Carl, I just bit the bullet and called Cox myself. I gave the customer service lady my newly acquired bandwidth knowledge speech and she determined we needed to get more bitsmackers or gobstoppers because we only had 15 and we should have 50 with all those Internet sucking machines. I still have no idea how much the bill  is going up, because whether or not we ever have more airtime, I am now the lucky recipient of a reduced rate on my Showtime and Starz. My guess is that the bill’s going up a crapload, but she somehow knows how much I love Jamie and Claire, so she thinks paying less for Outlander is a fair trade-off.  She also said we should notice a change in the speed immediately, but if we didn’t, we could call back and purchase a new modem or router or whatever bandwidth device gets you what you need. There are two such devices nestled on top of each other on the very high you need- a -stepladder top of the bookcase in the living room, and having to disentangle those from each other and the back of the unit to replace one or both of them with new ones would require more wine and technical savvy than I have the patience for.

I’m thinking maybe more cowbell would be the best choice after all.




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